For my 100th blog post on this ominous 13th of December 2012 (in the Eve of Ruin of ALL CIVILIZATION! *blood-shot stare*), I’ve polished my 13 zombie emergency weapons and readied them for battle. So put on your gloves and goggles, and let’s get ready to roll!
A modified four-barrel shotgun that can spit out pencils, ballpens, markers, and practically anything you stuff in it, including darts, rolled formal rejections, unpaid bills and parking tickets, the knuckles of the last guy who tried to take your spot at Starbucks…
An integral part of every writer’s revision toolbox, the Katana is also a perfect zombie deflector. Just grip it tightly, and autograph the undead with its mighty blade. Remember to kyyaaa and gpow when you slice and dice the undead army, otherwise you’re just a sissy with a sword.
No, not a radio, you don’t want to disclose your true position to every shmuck out there, so they can find you and use up all your toilet paper and dog-ear your books. You need a good old boombox, so you can annoy the shit out of any approaching zombie by blaring out “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” over and over again until they heads explode.
If you’ve ever seen Clive Owen in action, you know what I mean. But since most writers shun healthy foods like vampires shun the light, you can just as easily use your frying pan. All that burned-in bacon grease will leave some really artistic marks on them zombie foreheads.
If you’ve got decent throwing skills from shooting all those crumpled draft pages at your paper-basket, show them off with a set of Shuriken stars, one for each braindead asshole, just like dealing with Amazon trolls. How’s this for a one-star review, you mindless git?
Also: a metal pipe, rolling pin, baseball bat, golf putter, fire iron, or just any long object that can crack a head from a decent distance. Be sure to wear protective clothing to stay clear of the sputter. Preferably an apron made of pages from every undeserving over-night bestseller that ever pissed you off.
Or in case you don’t have one, your mother in law. Added bonus: no more nose-wrinkling and nagging about getting a “real” job. Tell that old sledgehammer the zombies are just some punks making fun of her morning breath and let her loose.
Remember the hands-on research you did for your last murder scene? The uprooted daisies and the funny-looking mound of dirt in your back yard? Yeah, that “camping equipment” you bought back then is mighty useful now. And don’t worry about the old bloodstains, they’ll be washed down by fresh material.
Pull out your homemade explosives tutorial or the Anarchists Cookbook (every good writer has it lying around somewhere), and start scraping off match heads my friend, ’cause you’re gonna build a nice little pipe bomb in your coffee-thermos. Best served with corkboard pins and paper clips included.
Ol’ Faithful has never been more needed than in times when electricity is naught and there is no more internet to keep you from churning out your dutiful wordcount, son. Let the keys be your battle-drums and the ching be the sound of your victory! And you can always use this trusty word-hammer to make some zombie mash in case you get the munchies.
Nothing warms up the hearts of an undead audience better than the hot flame of writerly dedication. Or you can just modify a leaf-blower, fuel it with creative frustration and pure editorial rage, and light it with the spark of insaniteh!
Balls of Steel
No, not those balls, you’re not trying to sit on zombie. Get yourself a massive pair of bone-crushing, fire-hardened balls of motherloving steel, engraved with the words THE and END, preferably covered in rusty spikes and hanging from a handle made of zombie femurs.
And last, but not least —
A humongous tome made of all the notes, sketches, outlines and manuscripts you’ve ever written, bound in buffalo skin and marked with the blood of your enemies. The bookmark is braided out of the hair of virgin elves, so you can swing the Skullbreaker above your head and bludgeon anyone who dares to mock your efforts. This baby is your ultimate advantage in any apocalyptic battle.